Cancer + 20's + Valentine's Day

So you wanna know what it's like to have cancer in your twenties? Well it is a little something like this. 

You know that massive hangover you've gotten before from spending a night out with your friends at the bar or at a party, drinking way too much and talking to tons of people you'll probably never meet again? Yeah that one that makes you think, "I am never drinking alcohol again a day in my life!!" Where you lay on the couch all day watching crappy TV, stuffing your face with crappy foods trying to feel remotely human again? That extremely horrible feeling after drinking that you get every so often that makes you slow down on your alcohol intake for the next few weeks? (Not like I would know that feeling from alcohol Grandma, I've just "heard"..) WELL my friends, that is how I feel nonstop the first 3-4 days after chemo and on and off every hour or so the next 3 days after that. Luckily for me, I only have chemo every other week so there is a week in between where I do feel relatively normal, with the hangover sensation only appearing once or twice a day. But still.. A full "normal" day would be so nice right about now.. 

Being physically/mentally/emotionally sick while everyone else around you is completely fine jut going on about their day- there are many words to describe how I feel but I think the most fitting one is probably restless. I feel exhausted but I can't sleep (without drugs that is, we finally got some medication to help with that one). I feel wanderlust but can't leave. I feel cold but can't ever seem to warm up without getting freaking hot flashes!! (How old am I??) 

But to me, I feel like staying positive is the only option I have. Ever since day one, it has never been an "if" I was going to beat cancer it has always been a "when". I never gave myself the option to be scared because there was no point, I wasn't going to let a little bit of lymphoma get in the way of me pursuing my dreams and living out the rest of my life. That is until I looked at the #hodgkinslymphoma hashtag on Instagram the other day and saw all of these people who have lost loved ones to this same disease. People just like me, fighting the exact same battle, who have died. It was extremely eye opening to me. And not in the way where I feel scared now, or worried that I won't beat this because deep inside I know that I will. I know that there is so much more to my life than what I have lived and so many more dreams I have left to chase. However, I almost feel lucky. Which I know sounds silly to hear a 20 year old girl with cancer say she feels lucky. But I do. Ever since I got the initial diagnosis I've been lucky. 
Lucky that the tests came back Lymphoma rather than Leukemia. 
Lucky that we caught it early. 
Lucky to have such an amazing facility such as the Hunstman Cancer Institute so close to home. 
Lucky to have the family and friends that I do.
Lucky to have the financial support of my dad so we don't have to worry about the bills.
Lucky to be ALIVE.

Sure I might be a little bitter that this is the hundredth Valentine's Day that I don't have a date, but I am lucky to be alive, and I don't know about all of you guys, but that's enough for me.